On Procrastination

I procrastinate.

 I've struggled with this issue since childhood. I constantly find myself waiting until the last minute to do anything. 

As a child, my homework seemed to get done by the skin of my teeth. I was always up late the night before doing projects and papers. I did better than average educationally, but I knew even then how much better I would have done if I implemented some sort of time management.

The thing is, my procrastination wasn't about laziness (I was accused of this often) or lack of motivation or because I didn't care. It was really anxiety, fear and dread. 

My sister and I were pushed to excel in anything we did, but often I felt like I didn’t know how. I felt as if my brain didn’t process things quite the same as others; it was difficult to explain to my parents and teachers the state of confusion I felt academically (I learned years later that I am dyslexic. It had never been properly diagnosed until my late teens/early twenties). 

That feeling of confusion put me in a constant state of anxiety. I was terrified of failure because failure didn’t feel like an option in my household. So procrastinating became a coping mechanism. I waited until the last possible minute to do anything in order to not get lost in anxiety--I would just have to make decisions and do it, for better or worse.

Over time, my anxiety turned into fear which turned into mostly believing that I wasn’t good enough for much of anything. It wasn’t until I was backed into a virtual corner of chronic illness that I learned what I was really made of. The only two choices left to me were to fight or perish.

I’m an Aries. I chose to fight.

This ongoing battle with chronic illness has taught me that the one thing I am really, really good at is survival. Now, I want to do more than live to fight another day. I want to win. To win, I realize I have to face my fear of failure, and try anyway. I have just learned that I am “good enough” to give myself the best possible chance at success and to do that I need a plan of action. 

This website is a part of my action plan. I don’t have to worry about whether or not this will be a success right now. I just have to face my fears--of judgement, of criticism, of disdain. I now remind myself daily that my desire to dilly-dally is just my fears rearing their ugly heads. I am choosing to acknowledge them, but then turn to action. 

I will run my race at my own pace. Eventually, I will win.